Trying to battle depression. If I’m honest depression can have at it. They say be grateful. Last I looked I don’t see anything great from where I’m standing. All I see and feel is pressure. You need to do this and you need to do that. Put this here and put that there. When will someone wake up and see this is not my home. This is not my own. Years of hard work, blood, sweat and tears gone down the drain in an instant. Not by choice or even at free will. I’m left looking puzzled down the drain of uncertainty trying to figure out really what just happened? Where did my life go? I can’t get it back. It’s gone.
You can’t turn around and make what’s eating away at your soul disappear. All you can do is look around and see the life you lived in ruins. Destroyed by fire, destroyed by ignorance, destroyed by meaningless words. You keep hearing it will get better, yet you see before your very eyes your “it” no longer exists. Everything has been stripped away from my hands, from my body. I’m naked with so many scars internally and externally. Yet I’m supposed to see the good in my tomorrow. I’m supposed to keep my head held high. Stay positive and keep pouring in to others despite not being able to pour into myself. When will my cup be filled? Why does it run over until empty?
Frustration, anger, and misery is my portion. Let’s not try to sugar coat it as if this is some cake walk in the park. If the assignment was so easy then maybe it would’ve been your lot. Maybe you could’ve handled a sample portion. Never tell a man what is easy and what is not. Let their survival determine the outcome. Let their scars speak their words of truth. Let people say what they say and feel what it is that they feel. Speak less…say little. Sit at the table and simply be present. Not everyone needs your meaningless advice. It’s worse than the clanging of chimes and cymbals. Sometimes give a monetary gift or do a nice gesture or action. It will suit you better in the long run. Don’t talk or speak. That’s the best thing you can do for the both of us. Simply be and stay silent. Do it enough for the both of us.
Depression is determined to win. My fight is not my own. God sees me to be fit…even when I want to quit. I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. Yet today is a new day. I see my eyes opened yet again. So I will continue to fight until depression is defeated, until victory is mine all mine. It’s time to fight!
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